...

07Feb2013 - the most sickening day of my 29 years of existence. I was so freakin’ tired at work. I was just literally staring at the computer monitor and the words are just turning into garbled mash of letters and the grids on the excel file are transforming into steel bars on a jail cell - or chicken mesh from a coup. i actually had the time to think - so this is how a chicken sees the world from inside his coup… trapped with the knowledge that anytime, his life would end so soon to feed hundreds of hungry people in McDonalds or KFC. 

We were so tired that we decided to eat breakfast at Jollibee and at one point, my officemate Jho and the cashier were talking at the same time and i had to ask them to stop talking because i just couldn’t understand everything that was going on! 
i took the jeep home alone and i feel like a child who fell from his bike and wants to run to his mother para umiyak at magsumbong. I just took out my phone and instinctively texted my boyfriend Toni. all i could ever say was:
“Im so tired today. I wish i could just stare in your eyes and slip my fingers inside your hand and i know i will be alright.”
Later in the afternoon while i was sleeping, he replied:

“I know you will be. Hang in there hon.” 

When i saw those words, my eyes just almost welled up. I did not expect them to come from him - knowing that he’s not a really sweet guy. I am overwhelmed with so much love that i could not describe what it is that i felt. i was encouraged. empowered and motivated that it got me through the last  work day of the week. 
He’s not perfect. In fact, there are a lot of things that i have to accept and compromise just so i could make this relationship work. But i think its all worth it. i love he surprises me most of the time - calling just to sing his favorite Billy idol song; when we are talking about something totally different and then he’ll just say “I love you” out of the blue. but the most endearing thing he ever said to me was, “I knew from the start you were different. I trust you with my heart.”  

I really  miss him. this distance, the timezones = its all driving me crazy! If only there’s a button that i could push and it will take me to his side and vice versa, i would have definitely raped that button. hahaha… and the sad part there is, there’s really nothing that you can do to ease that longing feeling you feel because he’s on the other side of the world.
why do i have to fall in love with someone so far away? Sabi nila, pag iniyakan mo na daw ang isang tao, this is the real deal. Well, i think tama sila. hindi ko lang iniyakan - humagulgol pa ako because i’m really scared of loosing him. he’s my living proof that miracles do come true. He is my miracle. and i’m glad that i got the reassurance from him that he will be there and that he loves and needs and wants me to be in his life.  i must have done something good to deserve him. 

“Hang in there Hon…” 

I’ll definitely will. And i’ll patiently wait for the day that i can hold you in my arms once again.

On happily ever afters...

When i was a kid, i always love watching fairy tales - Cinderella meeting her prince at a ball, Sleeping Beauty being awaken by a kiss from a handsome prince, Snow White being brought to life by her prince charming. All these stories inspire me to hope that someday, the same thing will happen to me - that a prince will eventually come and swoon me over with a kiss and we'll end up happily ever after.  And just like any other girl, I have this vision of a really gorgeous wedding - beautiful gown, dress to kill shoes, pretty make up, glittery wedding ring and a solemn and romantic wedding ceremony - just like in the fairy tales.

But as I slowly come of age and finally reach this ripe old age of 29, I slowly mature and I eventually see life in a different perspective - in all aspects.  In my career, my goals in life, in my personal life and of course, the way i see love and my convictions about it.  When you grow older, and wiser, you slowly transform form this hopeful, young princess into a practical and realistic woman.

The castle, the glass slippers, the fairy godmothers - all of it just crumbled into pieces and I'm left with one simple conclusion: Love is enough.

Yes, i'm talking about marriage. I still believe that marriage is a sacred thing - a blessed union of two souls who committed to love each other in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.  I still do believe that its a wonderful thing to be in and you are indeed a lucky woman if a guy would ask you to marry him.  I always thought that marriage is the end all and be-all of all relationships.  That you won't be able to call it a "successful" relationship if you won't end up marrying each other.

But you know what, I never expected  that someone whom I barely know - just a simple acquaintance, a former classmate from the catholic school i went during high school - would give me the most eye-opening statement that would forever change my life.  She said, marriage is just a piece of paper. You can both be happy and in love even without marrying each other.  As long as you promised to love each other, he promised to stay with you and love you with all his heart, that's enough.  There are a lot of people who married their boyfriends and finally ending up divorcing or separating for a myriad of reasons.

I'm not saying that I'm just looking for an easy way out.  That when things get rough and you don't love each other anymore, you could just pack your bags and leave.  That's not me.  And that's not something that I'm going to do.  I perfectly made it clear to my boyfriend that I will never be the first one to leave the relationship - that's a promise.  I love him so much and as long as he still loves me, I will be here.  If one day he wakes up and realizes that he doesn't love me anymore, then he has to explicitly tell me that to my face.  That's the only time that I will leave.  I am very much committed in this relationship that even though its a long distance one, I try my very best every single day to communicate and express how much i Love him so that our relationship will work.  and so far, its okay.  He says he loves me - and i hold on to those words.  I trust every single word that he tells me and those are the "rings" that bind my heart to him.

Honestly, I'm not expecting this relationship to end up in marriage.  I do believe that what we have is enough.   What's important are the feelings you feel towards each other, the things you do to make the other person feel how important he/she is to you and not some paper signed in the midst of a hundred people.  Its not about the pretty wedding gown and the lavish reception.  Its about how you feel towards each other.

I know this will be a big issue especially to my friends and  my relatives because this is out of the ordinary    for me.  And I expect to hear comments and violent reactions to this because all of my relatives and some friends are quite conservative but I'm ready - I'm ready to fight for what I believe in and what I feel towards the only man I love.  No drama, no complications, just love.

You don't need to spend a whole lot of money for weddings and even divorces.

"Love will keep us alive."

Its enough and its all we, Toni and I need. I could never be any more happier. :)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

“If music be the food of love, play on...”

- William Shakespeare

                Music has always been a part of my life.  That’s why 5 years ago, when I was given the opportunity to study music, instruments and its philosophies, I immediately grabbed it.  It gave me a new perspective on how I could use it as an extension of my hands, my brain, my lips and my heart.

                It gives me the passion and freedom to express my emotions.  It lets me be who I want to be without pretensions.  I try to make my audience feel what I feel with every word that comes out of my mouth, with every note that exudes from my instrument.  My piano teacher says, she enjoys listening to me because I can translate those tiny, black dots on the page into something beautiful and wonderful.  I believe that every note should be a religious experience to those who would hear it and when they go home from a performance, their lives will never be the same.

                I will always be a musician no matter what career will I be in now and in the future. It’s the air that I breathe; the fire that keeps my soul alive. 

                

I've got my sunshine back! :))

Last night, i heard (or read) the most touching words anyone has ever said to me.

"I don't want to lose you, worried if you do not hear from me for a while, you will run in the arms of another and it will be my greatest loss."

Well honestly, yes, its going to be your greatest loss if you lose me. hahaha... :)))

I love you sweetie and I will never, ever leave - not unless you explicitly tell me to go.  Sorry babe, I'm like a mold - its gonna be hard to get rid of me. :))

I'm thankful that I never left your mind all these time that you were sick. You're always in my prayers. :)

Prose

The longest 2 days I have ever had

Have you ever missed someone so bad it hurts? And you would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING just so you could be with him even just for a minute?  And no matter how much you complain about your situation, there is just nothing, absolutely nothing that you can do.

This just sucks, isn't it?

This weekend has been the longest and the most grueling 2 days I've ever had because he's not in it.  He's probably very busy with work, or he is having internet problems yet again.

Being apart from each other just sucks big time.  I just hate the fact that we're separated by 2 oceans and 24 different time zones! I just wish I could just send myself over through email just so I could see him.  I'll cook a decent meal for him so he won't have to go eat somewhere, make him a pot of coffee in the morning, be his personal assistant for a day, arrange his sheets, hold his hand, give him a massage to de-stress him when he comes home from work.  I will treat him like a king for a day.  I think he deserves it.  For quite a long time, he has been taking care of himself - sometimes he neglects to do things for himself because he is just too tired to do anything at all.

I really miss him.  My sunshine that never fails to make me smile. :((

Re: In Lieu of Life's Unexpectedness

Just a quick update on my life's unexpectedness...

it turns out, last Friday, June 22, I was permitted/invited to join the product orientation at Convergys.  I was really worried because I don't have my fit to work clearance from the doctor yet. I thought I will not be allowed to join training this week for batch 2.  I talked to the HR assistant after and told her my dilemma and she allowed me to join training and I'll just have to pass the clearance right after I get it. hopefully until next week!!! YEY! God indeed is so good. :))

I am so looking forward to this job.  I feel that this is going to be really fun! :))