-> Translated means: I love you more than words can say... Toni said, "think of me when you hear this song." yes. I always do.
April 26, 2012 - Yes. It has been already a month. Actually, hindi ko namalayan dahil kasalukuyan akong nasa bundok kasama ng mga friends - at mga new found friends ko. It has been a month since I said YES; since i formally and officially gave him my heart.
Dapat masaya ako di ba? This is the moment that i have longed for in these past 2 years - that he will be officially mine and i will be officially his. During those times, i am earnestly longing, and praying na sana he will eventually realize that i am the one for him; that i will be the one that can make him happy. It did came eventually last April 26 and this time, it wasn't me who asked.
Yes. As embarrassing as it is, i did asked him a year ago kung ano ang status naming dalawa. It was me, not him who asked dahil ayokong mag-assume nang hindi naman pala yun ang nararamdaman niya towards me. And i can still remember his answer: "What do you think? How do you feel towards me? Whatever your answer is, that's what we are." Ang labo no? For a guy, i think its a very lame answer. Mas ok pa nga yung isang guy na na-meet ko eh - he straightforwardly said that we are just good friends at the moment. At least i won't expect and i won't misinterpret anything he does for me.
And so after that, i just shut up my mouth and just continued on, expecting nothing, just going on with the flow. At, kung makailang beses ko na siyang muntik i-give up at kalimutan - maraming beses na. At hindi ko alam kung anong kapangyarihan meron siya, na sa tuwing OK na ko, dun naman siya sumusulpot! EVERYTIME! Walang mintis yun! I think it happened around 5 - 6 times. Biglang mawawala, hindi magpaparamdam, tapos pag on the verge na ko maka-move on, lilitaw na naman. I took it as a sign na baka its meant to be because he never really left. Any ordinary guy would've been gone by now dahil alam kong mahirap magmaintain ng relasyon through YM. *malaki ang utang na loob ko sa nag-imbento nito. karapat-dapat ka talagang sambahin! hehehe...* Any guy would just lose his patience dahil muka naman talagang walang patutunguhan ang "ligawan" na sa chat lang nangyayari. pero he stayed. and until now andito pa rin siya and yun ang parating sinasabi nya sa kin. He said, he would never have talked to me this long if he were not serious about all this.
I'm glad because he chose to love me. And I love him too. I love him because he never left. for 2 years andito pa rin siya. When i met him personally last year, he never took advantage of me, he respected my decision. And most of all, he saw the inner beauty in me. Alam ko hindi ako sexy, hindi ako kasing ganda ng mga models sa tv pero i'm glad he saw what was inside, my heart.
Hindi naman ako nalulungkot. I think, I'm just worried, anxious because there are still issues with him na hindi ako completely sold out. His unbelief in marriage, his i'll-do-what-i-want-to-do-in-my-life attitude, and a lot more. taking our relationship one level deeper only means a deeper commitment and responsibility than before. Am i ready for it? Am i ready to grow up? i honestly don't know. Natatakot akong baka sabihin niya one day na I'm not the one for him, that i'm not able to give him what he needs.
They say loving someone is a choice. And choosing to love that someone is learning to accept everything that comes with him - as in, EVERYTHING. I have learned to accept his son, he's an integral part of him that i can never, ever compete with.
Miracles do indeed happen, and this is one of those miracles that i've been praying for for the past 2 years. I would have never thought it would come to this. for how long will this last, i don't know. malay mo, ako ang makapag pabago ng isip niya about marriage and finally decides to marry me in the end and grow old with me. *fingers crossed*
I love him. I really do.
The only assurance i've got that he loves me too are his words. God, i hope he'll be careful with my heart.
I guess, i just have to take his word for it.
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