On happily ever afters...

When i was a kid, i always love watching fairy tales - Cinderella meeting her prince at a ball, Sleeping Beauty being awaken by a kiss from a handsome prince, Snow White being brought to life by her prince charming. All these stories inspire me to hope that someday, the same thing will happen to me - that a prince will eventually come and swoon me over with a kiss and we'll end up happily ever after.  And just like any other girl, I have this vision of a really gorgeous wedding - beautiful gown, dress to kill shoes, pretty make up, glittery wedding ring and a solemn and romantic wedding ceremony - just like in the fairy tales.

But as I slowly come of age and finally reach this ripe old age of 29, I slowly mature and I eventually see life in a different perspective - in all aspects.  In my career, my goals in life, in my personal life and of course, the way i see love and my convictions about it.  When you grow older, and wiser, you slowly transform form this hopeful, young princess into a practical and realistic woman.

The castle, the glass slippers, the fairy godmothers - all of it just crumbled into pieces and I'm left with one simple conclusion: Love is enough.

Yes, i'm talking about marriage. I still believe that marriage is a sacred thing - a blessed union of two souls who committed to love each other in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.  I still do believe that its a wonderful thing to be in and you are indeed a lucky woman if a guy would ask you to marry him.  I always thought that marriage is the end all and be-all of all relationships.  That you won't be able to call it a "successful" relationship if you won't end up marrying each other.

But you know what, I never expected  that someone whom I barely know - just a simple acquaintance, a former classmate from the catholic school i went during high school - would give me the most eye-opening statement that would forever change my life.  She said, marriage is just a piece of paper. You can both be happy and in love even without marrying each other.  As long as you promised to love each other, he promised to stay with you and love you with all his heart, that's enough.  There are a lot of people who married their boyfriends and finally ending up divorcing or separating for a myriad of reasons.

I'm not saying that I'm just looking for an easy way out.  That when things get rough and you don't love each other anymore, you could just pack your bags and leave.  That's not me.  And that's not something that I'm going to do.  I perfectly made it clear to my boyfriend that I will never be the first one to leave the relationship - that's a promise.  I love him so much and as long as he still loves me, I will be here.  If one day he wakes up and realizes that he doesn't love me anymore, then he has to explicitly tell me that to my face.  That's the only time that I will leave.  I am very much committed in this relationship that even though its a long distance one, I try my very best every single day to communicate and express how much i Love him so that our relationship will work.  and so far, its okay.  He says he loves me - and i hold on to those words.  I trust every single word that he tells me and those are the "rings" that bind my heart to him.

Honestly, I'm not expecting this relationship to end up in marriage.  I do believe that what we have is enough.   What's important are the feelings you feel towards each other, the things you do to make the other person feel how important he/she is to you and not some paper signed in the midst of a hundred people.  Its not about the pretty wedding gown and the lavish reception.  Its about how you feel towards each other.

I know this will be a big issue especially to my friends and  my relatives because this is out of the ordinary    for me.  And I expect to hear comments and violent reactions to this because all of my relatives and some friends are quite conservative but I'm ready - I'm ready to fight for what I believe in and what I feel towards the only man I love.  No drama, no complications, just love.

You don't need to spend a whole lot of money for weddings and even divorces.

"Love will keep us alive."

Its enough and its all we, Toni and I need. I could never be any more happier. :)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

“If music be the food of love, play on...”

- William Shakespeare

                Music has always been a part of my life.  That’s why 5 years ago, when I was given the opportunity to study music, instruments and its philosophies, I immediately grabbed it.  It gave me a new perspective on how I could use it as an extension of my hands, my brain, my lips and my heart.

                It gives me the passion and freedom to express my emotions.  It lets me be who I want to be without pretensions.  I try to make my audience feel what I feel with every word that comes out of my mouth, with every note that exudes from my instrument.  My piano teacher says, she enjoys listening to me because I can translate those tiny, black dots on the page into something beautiful and wonderful.  I believe that every note should be a religious experience to those who would hear it and when they go home from a performance, their lives will never be the same.

                I will always be a musician no matter what career will I be in now and in the future. It’s the air that I breathe; the fire that keeps my soul alive. 

                

I've got my sunshine back! :))

Last night, i heard (or read) the most touching words anyone has ever said to me.

"I don't want to lose you, worried if you do not hear from me for a while, you will run in the arms of another and it will be my greatest loss."

Well honestly, yes, its going to be your greatest loss if you lose me. hahaha... :)))

I love you sweetie and I will never, ever leave - not unless you explicitly tell me to go.  Sorry babe, I'm like a mold - its gonna be hard to get rid of me. :))

I'm thankful that I never left your mind all these time that you were sick. You're always in my prayers. :)

Prose

The longest 2 days I have ever had

Have you ever missed someone so bad it hurts? And you would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING just so you could be with him even just for a minute?  And no matter how much you complain about your situation, there is just nothing, absolutely nothing that you can do.

This just sucks, isn't it?

This weekend has been the longest and the most grueling 2 days I've ever had because he's not in it.  He's probably very busy with work, or he is having internet problems yet again.

Being apart from each other just sucks big time.  I just hate the fact that we're separated by 2 oceans and 24 different time zones! I just wish I could just send myself over through email just so I could see him.  I'll cook a decent meal for him so he won't have to go eat somewhere, make him a pot of coffee in the morning, be his personal assistant for a day, arrange his sheets, hold his hand, give him a massage to de-stress him when he comes home from work.  I will treat him like a king for a day.  I think he deserves it.  For quite a long time, he has been taking care of himself - sometimes he neglects to do things for himself because he is just too tired to do anything at all.

I really miss him.  My sunshine that never fails to make me smile. :((

Re: In Lieu of Life's Unexpectedness

Just a quick update on my life's unexpectedness...

it turns out, last Friday, June 22, I was permitted/invited to join the product orientation at Convergys.  I was really worried because I don't have my fit to work clearance from the doctor yet. I thought I will not be allowed to join training this week for batch 2.  I talked to the HR assistant after and told her my dilemma and she allowed me to join training and I'll just have to pass the clearance right after I get it. hopefully until next week!!! YEY! God indeed is so good. :))

I am so looking forward to this job.  I feel that this is going to be really fun! :))

In lieu of my life's unexpectedness...

"The Lord will give strength unto his people; The Lord will bless his people with peace." Psalm 29:11

My Bible has been my constant companion for 2 days while waiting at the doctor's office.  And I am very much overwhelmed by God's love pouring out from each word, each chapter, each page.  I got to read about Job too - wherein God said he is perfect and upright, and one that feared God and eschewed evil and yet, he suffered tremendous tragedies in his life.  His cattle died, his children died, his wife turned his back on him and he got boils! And yet, despite of all that, v.22 says Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.  He arose, rent his mantle, shaved his head, fell down the ground, and WORSHIPPED the Lord.

Its true that sometimes things don't go the way you planned.  I'm so ready to start my new job.  Actually I already convinced myself that I will start next week!  Its all about I, me and mine.  And so I guess, its about time God stepped in and prove Himself sovereign and allowed things to happen way beyond my control.

Of course, its a bummer kasi I have to buy meds and I have to come back next week and repeat lab tests yet again so the doctor will know if it worked.  And to think that I have to wait another week! 

But, God says His way is perfect.  For God, there is a purpose for everything.  I try to see the glass half full instead of half empty - this is always what i do so I won't get frustrated or depressed with bad news that come my way.  Its really a good thing that they've detected my glycosuria immediately instead of later.  and I'm glad its nothing that serious.  I'm thankful its not a cyst that needs surgery which needs a biopsy which will then lead to cancer.  I will definitely lose my job before i even start! hahaha... :))  Its a call for me to be extra careful with what i eat and drink and to continue to lose weight.  Its the road to a better me.  And i hope come December, I look pretty damn good! :))

The Lord will bless His people with peace.  I'm really blessed that I have a God.  Even though its not that good of a news, I don't worry too much because with God, i have peace.  All i need to do is be still and not be shaken amidst my whole health situation.  

Hopefully by next week, the doctor will give me clearance to work.  But as of now, I will keep reading and continue to be blessed by the Word of God.

Isn't it Ironic? Don't you think?

*Naguumapaw lang talaga ang kaligayahan ko so I feel i have to release some of it in writing.*

I have never been in love - as in seriously involved in a serious relationship.  In fact, vice president pa nga ako ng samahang NBSB (No boyfriend since birth). So i think, i don't have the authority to write something about love ni magbigay man lang ng advise because, i've never been there, never done that.  Ewan ko. Pangit lang talaga siguro ako.  Siguro, I am not thin or sexy enough gaya ni Solenn Heusaff or Sam Pinto. I remember when i used to work near South Harbor, me and my friend Sheena would always have coffee after work at Starbucks Intramuros.  And we would walk around the walled city when we go home and we talk and rant to ourselves why in our age, we're still single. hahaha... :))

"Maganda naman ako, di ba?  Matalino naman ako, nakatapos ng college at may magandang trabaho.  Bakit walang nagkakagusto sa 'kin?" - this is our usual lines. and after saying these things, we would laugh at ourselves.  But lo and behold! after a year or so, nauna siyang nagkaron ng lovelife sa akin. and I'm still left asking those questions to the universe. LOL  :))

Sabi nga nila, love will hit you in the most unexpected time and in the most unexpected place.  In my life, I have done a lot of things that I swore I'd never do.  One of them was to teach, another was to be a call center agent.  But the most unexpected thing is to be able to find love in cyberspace. Honestly, when i was still a little kid, i have these fantasies of meeting a successful guy like a doctor or engineer and eventually get married in a lavish ceremony. If there's one thing i learned in my life right now, don't put a period on the things you don't want to do.  Do not put blinders on your eyes and say, "Ayoko niyan. Hinding hindi ko gagawin yan." or "Hinding hindi mangyayari sa akin yan."  because most likely, yung ayaw mo ang mangyayari sa yo.

Yes. Isa rin sa mga isinumpa kong ayaw kong gawin at hinding hindi ko gagawin ay ang mainvolve sa isang Long distance relationship (LDR).  Pero, heto ako. Involved sa isang LDR. Isinumpa ko din na hindi ako magkakaron ng jowa or asawa na hindi Pinoy. Pero, again, heto ako. Hindi lang basta caucasian na foreigner - French-African-American pa.

Oh di ba? Parang lahat na ng kabalintunaan eh nangyari na sa buhay ko.  Do I need to dare myself again? :))

Pero surprisingly, masaya ako.  I also realized na it made my life exciting.  And believe me, walang pagsidlan ang kaligayahang nararamdaman ng puso ko ngayon.

It all happened in the most hated holiday ko - Valentines day. Who knew right?   It all started with a simple "Hi" and "Happy Valentines day" greeting. I have no idea na it will go this far.  Never in my wildest dream and imagination that he will stick around for 2 years, 4 months and 5 days to be exact.  And everyday, i learn something new about him and it never fails to amaze me.  Who knew that there's a 37 yr old guy who loves to listen to Diana Ross and worse, Justin Bieber???  Loves a great steak dinner with all the works - potatoes and steamed vegetables. Loves to sing and to dance.  Even "sings" parts of songs to me like MJ's Lady of my Life, Billy Jean and Rock with you. Hahaha... It amazes me so much and feeling ko, daig ko pa si Rapunzel sa haba ng hair ko.

It was December 2011 when i have decided that I am willing to accept him and everything that comes with him after he willingly admit that he has a son.  Yes, a son.  I made my choice to love him and to give him my heart if ever he asks for it.  And you know what?  I also proved that good things come to those who wait and who hopes because on the 26th of April this year, he finally asked me to be his love (yes, this was the exact term he used).  Now, i really believe in miracles.  After 28 years of being single - he came at the right time in my life.  Pagod na rin akong mag-isa.  Pagod na akong mag-intay.

Everyday since then, he never fails to make me feel that i am important, that i am loved, and that I am greatly missed.  Everytime he says he misses me so much and that he loves me so much, i can't help but to smile.  Nakakataba talaga ng puso na malamang may nagmamahal sa yo. And today, i have felt his sincerity, saying that he is the lucky one to have come across a unique and a special girl like me. It pains me that we have to live so far away and have to deal with the different time zones most of the time.  And to make up for being apart, he always makes it a point that even though madaling araw na sa kanya, mag-uusap pa rin kami kahit na walang ka-kuwenta kuwenta ang pinaguusapan namin at tawa na lang kami ng tawa.  He was supposed to come this June but I told him not to dahil maraming bagyo ngayon. I told him to come on December and i was shocked by his answer: "Its ok with me. But can you wait for a few more months?" I'm telling you, and corny mang sabihin pero i almost cried when he said that.  I can never get used to someone making a decision based on how will i fell towards it.  I actually felt that I'm really important for him and that I am the reason talaga kung bakit siya pupunta dito.

There are still issues na hindi ko pa fully matanggap sa kanya.  I know no guy's perfect.  I'm not perfect either.  I feel that I am blessed that he chose to love me among the many possible girls he could have met everywhere.  Hindi nga siya yung dream guy na pinangarap ko noong bata pa ko pero this irony na nangyari sa akin ay lubos na nagbibigay sa akin ng kasiyahan.  Everyday, i fall deeper and deeper in love with this guy who tries his best to be honest with me kahit na minsan yung mga inaamin nya sa akin ay masakit na katotohanang dahan-dahan kong dapat lunukin dahil iyon siya eh.

You are the best thing that happened to me - next to when Adele won the Grammy's and nung natanggap ako sa Convergys. hahahaha... :)))

I don't know where all of this will lead.  I am still hoping and praying that during the course of our relationship, mapabago ko ang isip niya about marriage and that he will finally decide to get married and prove that true love still exists in this world - through me.  I hope he will realize that i could be all that he needed if he let me try.

Kaya ngayon, i think i have to get used to the idea na may boyfriend na ako.  And he is making me really, really happy.

So now, I'm throwing out my guide books, my to-do lists and my maps and i'm going to embrace life's unexpectedness.  Because hadn't i embraced all the changes and the ironies of my life, i wouldn't have met my life's Serendipity and Happiness.

Hey Dad! My Golly! :))

This morning, something happened that i was really disappointed na hindi ko nakita. at kahit na kinuwento lang sa kin ni joan ito, na-touch talaga ako. :))

I was still in bed around 8am and my dad and sissy were downstairs having breakfast.  Tapos na actually si papa kumain so he was sitting on the couch while joan was still finishing up.

Itay: Yung dete mo tulog pa? Bakit di mo gisingin?

Joan: naka higa pa yun, may hinihintay yatang text.

Itay: Text? Anung text? Bakit, may boypren na ba yun?

Joan: Ummm... ewan ko! tanong mo sa kanya. pero bakit naman siya mag-aantay ng text nang gantong ka-aga.

Itay: *biglang yuko at iling ng ulo* Malalaki na nga talaga kayo.

Joan: *laughs* O Pa, baka mamaya sa kasal namin bigla kang humagulgol!

Itay: Bakit naman ako hahagulgol? Basta magpundar muna kayo bago kayo magpakasal.

I am glad that we finally found the old "jojo" back - ang makwela at ma-joke niyang side.  It has been almost 9 years, ever since my mom died.  I must admit, those were the years that we almost never talk. we live in the same house pero its as if we were strangers probably because of her untimely death.  Imagine, u were left with 2 teenager daughters that you have no idea how to deal with dahil all his life, his role was to be the breadwinner for the family.  All of us had a very rough time dealing with the whole situation.  I'm glad that time healed everything.  I think, the major turning point was his accident.  The thought that i almost lost our one and only parent made me realize how important he is for me. For us.

Maybe, this morning, he finally came to the realization that we are no more his little kids - yung mga batang yagit na pinapaliguan niya, sinisipilyuhan ung ngipin, yung pinapasan nya sa likod kapag baha sa eskinita para makapasok kami sa school, yung ginagawan niya ng dalandan juice gabi-gabi dahil parati kaming may ubo't sipon. Maybe, he finally thought that one of these days eh mag-aasawa na rin kami.  I know how he must've felt - like setting a little bird free after you've taken care of it for a long time.

Last friday when i got home, i told him na i need to go to BIR Pasig next week para i-process ung TIN ko.  He actually went and looked at Google maps just so malaman niya kung saan yun, anung sasakyan ko, sang station ako bababa.  Siguro para sa iba, wala lang yun. pero sa akin, natuwa ako dahil ung simpleng effort na hanapin sa mapa ung BIR, means a lot. 

Thank you papa dahil all this time, up until now, you never stopped working and providing for us.  I am blessed dahil kahit na matatanda na kami, you still support and provide.  Natutuwa ako dahil pati ang pagddiet ko ay sinusuportahan mo pati na rin ang pag-ienglish ko. hahahaha... :)) I appreciate lahat ng bagay na ginagawa mo para sa amin lalo na ang pagpapakain mo sa mga alagang hayop  natin na alam kong nagbibigay ng lubos na kasiyahan sa yo. hehehehe... :))

At dahil malapit na ang Father's day, don't worry. ninipisan ko lang ang hiwa ng pisngi ng mangga para makapal yung butong kakainin mo. hehehe...:))  

I love u Itay! *mwahugs!*

THIS IS IT!!!

YES!  Finally!  My bumming days are finally over!

Yesterday, June 6th, I went over and applied to a very well known bpo company in Manila, got interviewed, got tested, interviewed and tested again.  And after 7 grueling hours of nerve-wrecking, English-infested recruitment process, I finally got the job!

*woohoo*

I'm excited and nervous.  Just like what one of the applicants told me, "oh, so you're a call center virgin!"  hahahaha... Yes I am.  Well, as they say, there's always a first time for everything, and this right here is MINE.  And I could only thank God for giving me an endless supply of words and wits.

I just hope I could meet the demands and expectations of the job.  But most of all, I am looking forward in enjoying this new career path that I've chosen.

Its finally starting.  My new year, new life and set goals will be starting really, really soon.

Thank you Lord! >.<

Achieving the inner stalker in me...

Nakakatuwa lang...

I have a church mate who also is in a LDR - pero the guy is from India and works in Indonesia (me thinks).

*sidenote: How do you call a person from India?  Is it Bengali?  I saw a movie once called "The Namesake" and the parents who are immigrants from Calcutta and lived in NYC always remind their son Gogol to marry a Bengali.








Anyways, I'm not really close to this church mate of mine whose name by the way is Marivic.  We're not close that's why I can't go to her and talk about her love life so you can say that I'm stalking her. hehehe... *chismosa lang* :))  The guy happened to have an FB account - which makes her lucky because they can contact each other almost anytime they like.  And they exchange sweet nothings on each other's wall.  And ako din super kilig sa kanila probably because I can super relate to their situation.  I don't know if the guy is also a Christian.  If he is, then its a big blessing.  Unlike mine who is not of the same faith as I am.

I just can't help but smile whenever I see her page because I can totally see myself in the same situation. :p

It's just so great to love, be loved and to be in love! :)) <3

On the dream of making music

Lately, i have this really strong urge to write a song - or a couple of songs.  but my problem is, i'm not really gifted in writing texts.  i know what i wanted to say, i know what i feel.  the problem is, i don't know how to translate it to prose.  i tried doing it yesterday. Man! It's hard!  thinking of words and rhymes is like starting off an old, dusty, rusty machine.  in fairness, it did start, wrote a few lines, and then i reached a brick wall.  Nothing.  i just walked a few paces and i hit a writer's block agad! hahaha....

I was really inspired by Will.i.am.  I saw this documentary on the Bio channel and he's regarded as one of the greatest visionary in our time today in the area of music.  i admire his passion.  He never lets anything hinder his love of music and his creative mind never stops thinking and creating.

Recently he was granted permission to record the guitar accompaniment for his new song "Mona Lisa Smile" AT THE LOUVRE after hours!  Man!  talk about inspiration!  they get to record only with a guitar and his laptop on hand in front of the original Mona Lisa painting.  the accoustics is really good at the Louvre so its really a good place to play and record.

 I like what he said - he said, "...if i told the man i was sitting with in the bus that i would be playing/recording  a song at the Louvre museum in Paris, he would never believe me.  He would say, you're crazy man!  I would have never believe it myself.  But here i am now."

What i learned from him is that to never get tired of chasing after your dream.  Treat it like its some delicate thing that would get blown away by the wind if you don't take care of it.  He never stops dreaming and creating and he's never afraid to give his ideas a try.  "Maybe 50 people will like it, maybe 500, maybe 50,000."

I love music and i love making music.  i just hope i would achieve his level of passion and perseverance and creativity.  i really don't want to be famous like Charice, Justine Bieber or Greyson Chance who made it big on Youtube.  I just really want to make music; to be able to connect to others who have the same experiences as i do - of living, loving and being loved.  nothing more.

I know, someday. SOMEDAY.  I will be posting and sharing videos of MY songs.  And I too will be a great visionary in music. :D

But as for now, i think i'll stick to my day job (sana magkaron na rin ng day job).
hehehe.. :p

gamer-wannabee :))

My Tonia...

Diablo 3 rocks! \m/

useless blabber...

I heard may bagyo daw today - the first for this year!

As a person who spent almost my entire life living in Malabon, the news of a tropical storm is the last news you would ever want to hear.  Although i should say that we are used to dealing with calamities like this, still, if i have my way, i will  leave and settle down to another place wherein you don't have leaking roofs and smelly floods.  Kaya lang, what can i do?  This has been the place that i called home for 28 years.  My dad had just recently transferred the land title to his name since my mom died so all the efforts would be a total waste if we leave.  I would really love to live in a condo unit - maybe the 5th floor or way higher.  no leaking roofs, no floods.  In fact, i would want to invest one when i already have a job.  not necessarily a condo unit but somewhere where the floods can't reach me.  *galit talaga ako sa baha eh.* hahahaha... :))

Kaya lang, its really hard to leave.  sobrang daming memories na nangyari dito sa bahay namin.  My grandparents, my mom, the first time i rode a bike, etc. Its like, you want to buy a new phone pero you don't want to discard your old one.  i know its much more complicated than that but... you get the drift.

Sana lang wag na maulit yung nangyari last year with the storm Pedring.  Na-trauma talaga ako dun! For 3 days  flooded ang loob at labas ng bahay namin.  And you can't even use the wash room.

I hope this year won't be like the last - a not-so-wet 2012. >.<

Prose

If arms could stretch and reach miles afar,

If legs could spring and jump over mountains and seas

I'd catapult and propel myself to where you are,

I'd be conquering the distances and crossing all boundaries.

Beautiful soul, never have I seen my limbs to be of such pathetic disposition, in days before,

until tonight when I recognize how truly they are puny,

to yearn for you as they've never yearned then

but can do nothing more.

-myinkstainedheart.tumblr.com

Berso sa Metro 2

Nang mawala ka sa akin, ikaw at ako'y nawalan:

Ako dahil ikaw ang minahal ko nang lubusan

At ikaw dahil ako ang sa iyo'y lubusang nagmahal.

Ngunit sa dalawa ay ikaw ang higit na nawalan:

Dahil pwede kong mahalin ang iba tulad nang pagmamahal ko sa iyo

Ngunit ika'y di mamahalin tulad nang kung paano kita minahal.

- Ernesto Cardenal

Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako nandirito,

Kung 'di kita nakilala, 'di sana ako nabuhay.

Kung ako'y mamamatay nang 'di ka nakilala,

hindi ako mamamatay dahil hindi ako nabuhay.

-Luis Cernuda

Berso sa Metro

Si alguna vez la vida te maltrata,
Kung sakaling malupit sa iyo ang kapalaran,


acuerdate de mi,
alalahanin mo ako,


que no puede cansarse de esperar
dahil hindi mapapagod sa paghihintay


aquel que no se cansa de mirarte.
itong walang sawang tumitingin sa iyo.


- Luis Garcia Montero

Happy New Year!

Excited ako!

Excited ako para sa sarili ko sa taong ito - 2012.  Feeling ko, kakasimula pa lang ng bagong taon ko last April nung matapos ang school year.

Teaching is not really a profession that I would see myself growing old into.  In fact, nung college pa ko, iniwasan ko talaga ang Educational setting.  Pinagkasya ko ang 300 hrs ko sa Industrial at Clinical para makagraduate ako. hahaha... ang sama! Pero tingnan mo nga naman kung saan din ako bumagsak.

I became a teacher not because i wanted to teach but because out of necessity, out of need.  I resigned from my good-paying job dati just so I can help in my own little way sa music ministry ng church as well as the school ministry teaching music and serving as a pianist, musician for the church.

Maganda naman ang kinalabasan - i was able to study in a Bible school taking up an Associate Degree in Music Ministry.  I learned the violin and i was able to brush up on my piano skills.

Pero there comes a point in your life where you start to think about your future.  At my age, hindi na ako bumabata and i think its about time to start investing something for my future.  although i enjoy what i do, making music, teaching music, gusto ko rin naman makaipon.  And since its just a ministry, maliit at sapat lang talaga ang lahat ng tinatanggap ko.  Would you believe hindi alam ng dad ko kung magkano ang kinikita ko. Hahaha... he'll be outraged pag nalaman niya. :))

Anyways, i stayed for 5 years in that institution.  And i should say, teaching is really hard if you don't have the passion for it.  And apparently, wala ako nun.  And so i've decided to leave.

For the first time in 5 years, i feel so alive!  I really wanted to travel.  I want a work na kung saan, i could file a leave whenever i want, go to wherever i want, without worrying about unfinished reports, exams, grade computations, etc.


Kaya, i'm really excited.  Excited kung saang work ako matatanggap.  Excited kung saan lugar dito sa Pilipinas ako makakarating sa susunod.  Excited to see the world.  Excited for new friends, new bosses, new nature of work AT walang bata. :))

This year is going to be one hell of a roller coaster ride.

So, i'll just fasten my seatbelt and wait for my rocket to fly.

This is going to be UH-MAZING!!!

I think this are the lyrics to a Michael Jackson song entitled "Lady in my Life".
It's too sweet of him to actually "sing" it to me.  hehehe... :))
Kinikilig ako. >.<

He is so full of surprises.  I discover something new about him almost everyday.

I love him.  I really do. <3

Wise words from Lemony Snicket...

Hey Mom!

I miss our usual trips to Divisoria just to window-shop for clothes or pick out vegetables.

I miss your cooking.  You turn any simple food into comfort food that will always remind me of home.  Our cook-outs; the first time you made a really good pork-chicken noodle soup that made me forget what my name is.

I miss calling out your name whenever i come home from school. i don't need anything really.  It just comforts me to know that you're there.

I love the time when you stopped what you're doing just so you could explain to me what the poem "Footprints in the Sand" meant.

I love the way you mess up my name as a form of endearment.

i miss those times when we watch movies and cooking shows in the couch on lazy afternoons.  I especially remember "Somewhere in Time" where we skipped lunch just so we could finish it.

I miss your pasalubongs whenever you come home from somewhere - my favorite is, and always will be, is steamed corn.  And the way you would sing "Superwoman" while putting us to sleep in the afternoon.  And the way you joke around, tickle my belly, or pretend to whisper something in my ear but actually, you'll just blow on it and it gives me goosebumps.

We don't always get along.  We had our rough times.  It's a love-hate relationship most of the time but i believe those sentiments are for me so that I will grow into an independent, responsible woman.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I REALLY MISS YOU MOM!

And I must admit, you were right.  You were right all along.

Je t'aime et ca c'est bien plus fort que mes mots

-> Translated means: I love you more than words can say... Toni said, "think of me when you hear this song." yes.  I always do.

April 26, 2012 - Yes. It has been already a month.  Actually, hindi ko namalayan dahil kasalukuyan akong nasa bundok kasama ng mga friends - at mga new found friends ko. It has been a month since I said YES; since i formally and officially gave him my heart.

Dapat masaya ako di ba?  This is the moment that i have longed for in these past 2 years - that he will be officially mine and i will be officially his.  During those times, i am earnestly longing, and praying na sana he will eventually realize that i am the one for him; that i will be the one that can make him happy.  It did came eventually last April 26 and this time, it wasn't me who asked.

Yes. As embarrassing as it is, i did asked him a year ago kung ano ang status naming dalawa.  It was me, not him who asked dahil ayokong mag-assume nang hindi naman pala yun ang nararamdaman niya towards me.  And i can still remember his answer: "What do you think?  How do you feel towards me?  Whatever your answer is, that's what we are."  Ang labo no?  For a guy, i think its a very lame answer.  Mas ok pa nga yung isang guy na na-meet ko eh - he straightforwardly said that we are just good friends at the moment.  At least i won't expect and i won't misinterpret anything he does for me.

And so after that, i just shut up my mouth and just continued on, expecting nothing, just going on with the flow.  At, kung makailang beses ko na siyang muntik i-give up at kalimutan - maraming beses na.  At hindi ko alam kung anong kapangyarihan meron siya, na sa tuwing OK na ko, dun naman siya sumusulpot! EVERYTIME! Walang mintis yun! I think it happened around 5 - 6 times.  Biglang mawawala, hindi magpaparamdam, tapos pag on the verge na ko maka-move on, lilitaw na naman.  I took it as a sign na baka its meant to be because he never really left.  Any ordinary guy would've been gone by now dahil alam kong mahirap magmaintain ng relasyon through YM. *malaki ang utang na loob ko sa nag-imbento nito. karapat-dapat ka talagang sambahin! hehehe...* Any guy would just lose his patience dahil muka naman talagang walang patutunguhan ang "ligawan" na sa chat lang nangyayari.  pero he stayed.  and until now andito pa rin siya and yun ang parating sinasabi nya sa kin.  He said, he would never have talked to me this long if he were not serious about all this.

I'm glad because he chose to love me.  And I love him too.  I love him because he never left.  for 2 years andito pa rin siya.  When i met him personally last year, he never took advantage of me, he respected my decision.  And most of all, he saw the inner beauty in me.  Alam ko hindi ako sexy, hindi ako kasing ganda ng mga models sa tv pero i'm glad he saw what was inside, my heart.

Hindi naman ako nalulungkot.  I think, I'm just worried, anxious because there are still issues with him na hindi ako completely sold out.  His unbelief in marriage, his i'll-do-what-i-want-to-do-in-my-life attitude, and a lot more.  taking our relationship one level deeper only means a deeper commitment and responsibility than before.  Am i ready for it?  Am i ready to grow up? i honestly don't know.  Natatakot akong baka sabihin niya one day na I'm not the one for him, that i'm not able to give him what he needs.

They say loving someone is a choice.  And choosing to love that someone is learning to accept everything that comes with him - as in, EVERYTHING.  I have learned to accept his son, he's an integral part of him that i can never, ever compete with.

Miracles do indeed happen, and this is one of those miracles that i've been praying for for the past 2 years.  I would have never thought it would come to this.  for how long will this last, i don't know.  malay mo, ako ang makapag pabago ng isip niya about marriage and finally decides to marry me in the end and grow old with me.  *fingers crossed*

I love him.  I really do.

The only assurance i've got that he loves me too are his words.  God, i hope he'll be careful with my heart.

I guess, i just have to take his word for it.